Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
