I like my sex mixed with concussions.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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