I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My feet surprised me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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