I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
