It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
