kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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