yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
