I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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