So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
