my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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