Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
