I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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