Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
