my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
