I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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