you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
