I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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