You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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