I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
