Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
