I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
