Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
