those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
