Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
