I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
