You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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