is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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