masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
