I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
