shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How does one acquire holy water?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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