Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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