it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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