Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
