tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
