Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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