cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
