i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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