You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
