I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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