who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
