All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
