it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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