You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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