Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
