Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
