Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
