Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize