He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
