enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize