Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
