I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
