Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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