Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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