You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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