I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm like, not good at living.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
