You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
