you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
