Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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