FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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