but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
