I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
