WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
