Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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