I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
