Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Everything about him screamed your future.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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