btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
