My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
