well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
