I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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