I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
